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DISCOVERY dis-cov-er-y (n) 1. The act of discovering. 2. Something unearthed. dis-cov-er (v) implies effort to find the facts or the truth due to uncertainty or a lack of knowledge. To the crossdresser the words “discover” or “discovery” can have so many meanings, as well as tons of ramifications. For instance, it’s a discovery when a CD first learns that he enjoys wearing women’s clothes and carrying himself in a feminine way. And I know from experience, it’s an even bigger discovery when he eventually realizes that this facet of his life earns him a lifetime membership in a club whose members are commonly called crossdressers. Once that discovery has been made, you can be sure he’ll spend the next few years, or even the rest of his life, discovering just what his membership in this club means to him. For me, I discovered the joys of women’s clothes with a pair of my sister’s tights when I was at the ripe old age of five. Soon after that I made a new discovery. I discovered that wearing tights wasn’t exactly considered by most people a normal thing for boys to want to do. And when I was a bit older, I discovered that what the clothes did for me, primarily, was to allow my feminine feelings to emerge from where I felt that I needed to bury them in order to fit in. In time I made the frightening discovery that boys who liked to wear girl’s clothes were called transvestites. Since then, of course, the term has been generally changed to crossdresser. Still, although I knew I liked it, I didn’t believe I was really a crossdresser. Those guys were wierdos…weren’t they? After all, they weren’t at all like me, right? Of course, in time I did discover that, yes, like the idea or not, I was, in the end, a crossdresser. Talk about DISCOVERIES! And at the time it wasn’t an entirely pleasant one, to be honest. Putting a label on an activity that I simply enjoyed without too much thought, changed the entire perspective of what I was doing. It was then that the small inklings of guilt that I had harbored over my little “dress up games” suddenly blossomed into a true self-loathing. That was largely brought on by my transgendered nature and what I thought that meant about me. It was like discovering I was a pervert or some other equally undesirable type of criminal. Yes, the discovery that I was a crossdresser pretty much laid waste to any semblance of my own self esteem for years to come. Now if you’re not careful you’ll begin to think that all discoveries by T-folk have to be bad. Not true! Some discoveries, plenty actually, are good. Some are really good and some, well…some discoveries are wonderful! It was great to discover the taste of lipstick and the way my legs feel when I’m walking in pantyhose. It was such an unexpected joy when I discovered just how many people are out there who have transgendered natures. It was wonderful to begin to discover self-acceptance and the absolute change that that can bring. It was wonderful to discover I am NOT a pervert and that I am worthy and needed and valued. And it was absolutely liberating to discover that God loves me, and is perfectly happy with me, no matter what I’m wearing as long I love him back with all my heart, and all my soul, and all my mind, and love my neighbors as myself. For me, as a Christian, that has been the greatest discovery of all. In my life today, I’m slowly and happily coming to a place where most of my discoveries are turning out to be pleasant ones. I’m discovering how to apply eye liner, how to make a passable set of breast forms, how to figure out my dress size and how to carry myself as a woman. Most importantly, I’m discovering ways to make myself useful as Jennifer. Writing articles like this, for instance, gives me more validation as Jennifer than nearly any other activity I can imagine. I’ve discovered Jennifer has a voice, has thoughts, opinions and ideas. I’ve discovered that Jennifer, who I spent so much time hating and repressing, has turned out, after all, to be one heck of a nice part of my life. And if I do say so myself, I think she’s turning into an awfully nice girl! So all you T-folk out there, especially you younger ones, get ready for discoveries and lots of them. They may be big or small, bad or good, happy or sad. Remember, no matter what they are, with each discovery you can learn a little bit more about you, your world, your wants and your needs. Value each and every discovery. Cherish them and pass them on. And finally, always strive to discover the most important thing of all…yourself. God Bless. Your Sister in Christ, Jennifer McCrennaugh |
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