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Alone
OK. You got me. I’ll fess up, I was a geek. Yeah, full-blown, no holds barred, stone cold geek. I was the last to be picked for the team, no girlfriend, so-so in school, comic-book reading type geek. G-E-E-K GEEK! I tried to fit in but never seemed able to. Though I played a pretty good second base, I hit like I was blindfolded. I liked girls, but was hugely awkward around them. I tried to act macho, but since the last thing I wanted to be was a tough guy I rarely pulled it off. I was never invited to the popular kids parties, but that turned out to be OK, as I never felt so isolated as when I was in a roomful of people. After all, how else can you feel when you’re standing with a group of guys talking sports or the latest rock bands and all you really want to do is stand with the girls and talk clothes? Oh yes, being a crossdresser can definitely make your social life a bit…stressful to say the least. It’s really hard trying to come to terms with something like that and at the same time having to keep it TOTALLY under wraps. How can you do that? How is it possible? If you try to fit in and be macho you can end up feeling like a phony. If you don’t fit in you become like I was…a geek. I guess being a geek wasn’t all bad really. In some ways it has given me an advantage. It was a really grounding experience. Kind of like a strength through adversity kind of thing. But I have to say that in the end being a crossdresser made for a pretty lonely existence. I mean I couldn’t share this little facet of my life with anybody. Not even my best friends. When you have such a huge issue as crosssdressing going on in you life and no one to talk with about it, man, that can make you feel like you’re big-time alone. I felt that way. There was no one I could tell about my feelings, my fears, my hopes. Worse, no one to tell me what I needed to know about crossdressing. I really wish I had had someone to make sure I understood I wasn’t all that unusual in being transgendered. It would have been so great to learn that there were regular, decent guys who had the same feelings and needs that I had. It would have meant so much to hear how many crossdressers there were out there too. Believe it or not, at one time I thought I was the only one. As you can probably guess, my self-esteem was pretty much in the tank. There was no Internet when I was young. I know, I know, how did we survive without the web? Well, our Internet was called the library. Somehow we managed. The only problem with the library was that it was kind of tough to ask a librarian to help you find books about boys who want to be girls and even if you did find something you had to get up the guts to actually put it in front of her to check it out. That was too much for me. Today’s young CD has it a lot better, thankfully. But I’m willing to bet that even with the web a lot of you girls know just what I mean when I say “lonely.” That’s because reading about other crossdressers isn’t nearly the same as being out and accepted as your femme self. Well, don’t feel too badly. That problem isn’t new and it sure isn’t unique. Welcome to our world! You’ll fit right in here ladies! That lonely feeling can be reduced when you begin to learn that there are others out there just like you. And there are, lots actually. Just the fact that you’re on this website and reading this tells me that you’re learning that already. But just for laughs let’s look at some numbers OK? In the U.S. today we have about two hundred and fifty million people. Cut that roughly in half to get the number of guys. That comes to a hundred and twenty five million, give or take. Now most experts in gender studies seem to believe that around 3-10% of the entire male population is transgendered or crossdressers. Got your calculators? On the low end that’s 4,220,000 of us in the U.S. alone. On the high end (10%) we go up to 14,000,000! And who can say for sure? Ten percent (10%) of the population may not be the ceiling! So who knows how many more transgendered and crossdressing people there really are out there? Turns out we’re not all that unusual after all, huh? In other words guys, if you know one hundred guys at least two more are just like you. One in thirty people are bound to be TG or a crossdresser too. Kind of puts things more into perspective doesn’t it? Of course, if you haven’t yet come to self-acceptance then all that those numbers might mean to you is that there are between 4,220,000 and 14,000,000 other guys with the same problem you have, right? WRONG!! That’s the point. Crossdressing doesn’t mean you have a problem at all. It may make you different, but not wrong. I’ve had contact with crossdressing cops, teachers, scientists, pilots and even clergy. You don’t handle those types of jobs if you’re a nutcase. Most crossdressers are your everyday kind of guys with wives, families, jobs and mortgages on their homes. And most research today says we’re born with this. So you’re no more responsible for it than if you have red hair or blue eyes. I know you might not believe this now, but you younger ones really have it better than many throughout history. The web and television have given us more exposure (admittedly, in some cases negative) but in many cases we’ve earned more acceptance than ever before. And more is known about transgender issues than in any other time in our history. More, in fact, has been learned in the past twenty years than in the past two thousand! Be proud of that…and be thankful. You’re a part of an emerging community that someday will take its rightful place among all the other diverse groups we celebrate today. If we fight for it, there will come a day when saying “I’m transgendered” will have no more significance than saying “I’m Irish” or “I’m left-handed.” But until that time comes, remember all the resources at your fingertips. Support groups, discussion groups, and e-mail. Use them. You ARE part of a community. You are wanted and needed. You belong. This is your birthright. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! You have a voice and talents. Write, read, learn, support, educate…become. Become the very testimony that refutes those who attempt to make you feel alone and unworthy. Because the truth, the truth that many of us older crossdressers have taken a lifetime to learn, is that we are neither alone nor unworthy. We are gifted. Your Sister in Christ Jennifer McCrennaugh |
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